Internal vs External Validation

People will tell you that you “should '' focus on building Inner confidence, self-worth, self-love, and self-validation.

But what if you can’t build it due to unresolved trauma? What if due to the trauma and experiences in your life you BELIEVE that you’re not good enough or unworthy? How then can we build these things if our beliefs are directly the opposite?

When we're born, we come into this life with the innate expectation of nurturing, acceptance, and validation of our expression of our true self. Whether it's from our parents, family, teachers, or peers, we're constantly seeking approval to feel like WHO WE ARE is GOOD ENOUGH to be accepted, nurtured, and validated.

While the expectation of validation from others is normal, it’s when you rely on this external validation to feel good enough that it becomes an issue, the more we seek and receive external validation then the more we need it in order for us to feel that we’re good enough and hence good about ourselves. Not feeling good enough has now become a threat and we automatically respond with Fight, Flight, Fawn or Freeze which can lead to feelings of anxiety, insecurity.

Here’s the bombshell!!!! If we rely on external validation to feel good enough then, we will NEVER actually feel that we’re good enough.

The reason being is that other people can’t MAKE us feel invalidated…It’s our own beliefs about ourselves which we’re responding to.

Yes really!!

It's important to recognise the difference between internal and external validation, and why resolving the reasons you can’t stop seeking externally for validation.

As mentioned above, External validation is the need for others to approve of our choices and actions which are an expression of our true self. This often comes in the form of compliments, praise, or positive recognition from others. While receiving validation from others can feel good in the moment, it's often temporary and relies on the perceptions of others.

On the other hand, internal validation is the ability to accept and approve of ourselves and our choices which once again are an expression of who we are.

It's the ability to recognise our own worth and know that we’re ENOUGH and always have been, regardless of the opinions and perceptions of others.

Internal validation is built on self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-love, self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence. When we focus on building our inner confidence and self-worth along with RESOLVING the experiences in life that have caused us to believe we’re not good enough, we're less likely to be swayed by the opinions of others, and we're better equipped to handle criticism or rejection in a healthy way.

So why is it important to RESOLVE and focus on building inner confidence and validation?

YOU BECOME LESS DEPENDENT ON EXTERNAL VALIDATION

As you become more confident within your own skin and own choices – you are less likely to seek approval from external sources. This is when you begin to feel comfortable with being independent and are happy to live life on your own terms without craving validation from others.

YOU’RE BETTER EQUIPPED TO HANDLE CRITICISM AND REJECTION

When your self-worth begins to grow, and you stop seeking validation from external sources you become more equipped to handle criticism and rejection. By being self-aware, you are able to recognise that all people have different opinions and somebody’s criticism of you does not define who you are or decrease your worth.

This is because the lack of insecurity that comes from internal validations allows you to realise that our worthiness comes from within and not externally.

YOU’RE MORE LIKELY TO MAKE CHOICES THAT ALIGN WITH YOUR VALUES

With internal validation comes the ability to make individual choices rather than decisions based on expectations coming from those around us. As you gain inner confidence, you are less likely to feel the need to ‘fit in’ or please everyone which leads to the ability to make decisions based on your own values and not the values of those around you.

So now we see the value of internal validation and why it is so important to stop seeking validation externally. But how exactly can we start building on our self-confidence and gain that inner validation? Here’s our 5 top tips:

1. Practice self-awareness

Take some time to focus and reflect on your own personal thoughts, feelings and actions. Allow yourself the opportunity to become aware and comfortable with your needs and desires as an individual.

2. Practice self-acceptance

We are all “flawed” – and that’s okay – so start by recognising and finding comfort in the idea that we are not perfect, and we all make mistakes. Accepting who you are, imperfections and all, allows room for self-worth and self-confidence to grow.

3. Practice self-love

Start by taking care of yourself, taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional being. This can be done by practising self-care activities, those activities that make you feel good – whether it be taking a hot bath or a walk with a friend, going to the beach and listening to the calm. It can be any activity that makes you feel whole, makes you feel peace, brings you to your happy place.

4. Set personal goals

Set goals that are specific to YOU, ones that help you focus on YOUR OWN growth and development. Set goals that are in alignment with your passions and what brings you the most joy and excitement in life - This is called living from your Heart.

By having personal goals that reflect this, you’re achieving something for YOU and allows us to stop seeking validation from others. Allow time to celebrate your successes and achievements and watch you find happiness in pleasing yourself rather than anyone else.

5. Get a kinesiology session

Book in a session with Aaron to RESOLVE any unresolved trauma that may be stopping you from doing any of the above no matter how hard you try.

Original Content sourced from Resolve Beyond Neurology and written by Carolyn Farnan

Blog post designed and edited by Allie Michelle Aitken

Blog post written by Aaron Farrell and Allie Michelle Aitken

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AUTONOMIC NERVOUS SYSTEM

In our last blog, we discussed the FIGHT or FLIGHT response and how it has evolved from the stone ages from ‘automatic survival’ to ‘constant survival’. But how does our FIGHT or FLIGHT response contribute to an unstable nervous system?

Our nervous system is an intricate network of pathways that lead all the way from the brain out to every part of our body. Extending from the top, stretching out to the very tips of our fingers and toes, the nervous system separates into two sections of its own - voluntary (The Somatic System) and involuntary (The Autonomic System or ANS) which is what we’re diving into today.

The Autonomic Nervous System

The ANS works on a subconscious level and regulates the body’s digestion, respiration and circulation systems without us having to think about it. It's involuntary - think about it, we don't have to remind ourselves to breathe in and out or tell our brain to pump blood throughout the body to keep us alive.

This is the beauty of the ANS - it's like an automated system working 24/7 in the background and makes sure we are functioning and running smoothly. The ANS is the autopilot of our nervous system and allows us, as the ‘pilots’ of our bodies, to relax and know that the plane is flying smoothly.

The ANS breaks down into two systems of its own - the sympathetic (fight or flight) and the parasympathetic (rest and digest). Both play important roles in survival and are in charge of our ability to stress and relax when necessary.

The Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS)

This is what we talk about when discussing our FIGHT or FLIGHT response. Whilst it sounds scary and is activated in stressful situations - FIGHT or FLIGHT has helped us to survive this long and is actually very beneficial to our ability to stay alive. However - FIGHT or FLIGHT has changed from the short term survival response to a threat and evolved into a chronic and ongoing state of survival. When the SNS is activated, your body suffers changes of:

• Increased heart rate

• Dilated pupils

• Restricted or rapid breathing

• Sensitised hearing

• Tension in your muscles

Whilst your nervous system finds these responses necessary for survival (and if you’re being chased by a bear or axe murderer they certainly are) - your SNS will activate these responses for threats whether real or perceived. This causes us to be stuck in a sustained mode of survival and consequently alters the involuntary systems that the ANS is in charge of leaving them running not so smoothly.

When the SNS is overwhelmed, our body prioritises feelings of anxiousness and stress over growth and repair.

The Parasympathetic Nervous System (PSNS)

Ahh now it's time to REST and DIGEST. This is when our PSNS system comes into play - this is the ‘slow down’ response, our state of relaxation. Your body responds to this system by:

• Slowing the heart rate and breathing

• Digestion and metabolising food: allowing your body to soak in the essential nutrients

• Process of elimination: removes waste and toxins from the body

• Stimulating salivation - helping with the breakdown and digestion of food

• Constricts pupils

• Producing tears: lacrimation of the eyes producing lubrication and protection to preserve eye tissues

The PSNS counteracts with the SNS to recalibrate the body back to a state of relaxation to promote growth and restoration.

A Harmonious Nervous System

Both the SNS and PSNS are vital to our survival should they be working in harmony. However, imbalances within the autonomic nervous system can manifest into long-term physical, emotional, psychological and mental problems. This can look like:

• High blood pressure

• Low back pain

• Digestive issues such as IBS

• Respiratory issues such as asthma

• Depression and anxiety

• Headaches

• Or for children: ADHD and behavioural disorders such as ODD

Don’t fret - an imbalanced nervous system is curable. If you feel as though your SNS is taking hold of your life and you’re unable to get into a state of relaxation try taking a few deep conscious breaths as a quick fix. By focusing on your breath - you are taking control of an automatic subconscious function and bringing it into your consciousness offering a direct line to the PSNS. Your PSNS is also heavily influenced by the vagus nerve and by learning to activate it, you can learn to bring yourself back to balance (stay tuned for the next blog for more on this).

Breath is one way to quickly navigate back into REST and DIGEST mode, however it does not resolve the issues of why you may be stuck in FIGHT or FLIGHT. If you want to really calm your nervous system - get in contact with Aaron to get to the bottom of why your SNS is stuck in overdrive and begin to UNLEASH YOUR GREATEST POTENTIAL.

Blog post written and designed by Allie Michelle Aitken

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