Internal vs External Validation

People will tell you that you “should '' focus on building Inner confidence, self-worth, self-love, and self-validation.

But what if you can’t build it due to unresolved trauma? What if due to the trauma and experiences in your life you BELIEVE that you’re not good enough or unworthy? How then can we build these things if our beliefs are directly the opposite?

When we're born, we come into this life with the innate expectation of nurturing, acceptance, and validation of our expression of our true self. Whether it's from our parents, family, teachers, or peers, we're constantly seeking approval to feel like WHO WE ARE is GOOD ENOUGH to be accepted, nurtured, and validated.

While the expectation of validation from others is normal, it’s when you rely on this external validation to feel good enough that it becomes an issue, the more we seek and receive external validation then the more we need it in order for us to feel that we’re good enough and hence good about ourselves. Not feeling good enough has now become a threat and we automatically respond with Fight, Flight, Fawn or Freeze which can lead to feelings of anxiety, insecurity.

Here’s the bombshell!!!! If we rely on external validation to feel good enough then, we will NEVER actually feel that we’re good enough.

The reason being is that other people can’t MAKE us feel invalidated…It’s our own beliefs about ourselves which we’re responding to.

Yes really!!

It's important to recognise the difference between internal and external validation, and why resolving the reasons you can’t stop seeking externally for validation.

As mentioned above, External validation is the need for others to approve of our choices and actions which are an expression of our true self. This often comes in the form of compliments, praise, or positive recognition from others. While receiving validation from others can feel good in the moment, it's often temporary and relies on the perceptions of others.

On the other hand, internal validation is the ability to accept and approve of ourselves and our choices which once again are an expression of who we are.

It's the ability to recognise our own worth and know that we’re ENOUGH and always have been, regardless of the opinions and perceptions of others.

Internal validation is built on self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-love, self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence. When we focus on building our inner confidence and self-worth along with RESOLVING the experiences in life that have caused us to believe we’re not good enough, we're less likely to be swayed by the opinions of others, and we're better equipped to handle criticism or rejection in a healthy way.

So why is it important to RESOLVE and focus on building inner confidence and validation?

YOU BECOME LESS DEPENDENT ON EXTERNAL VALIDATION

As you become more confident within your own skin and own choices – you are less likely to seek approval from external sources. This is when you begin to feel comfortable with being independent and are happy to live life on your own terms without craving validation from others.

YOU’RE BETTER EQUIPPED TO HANDLE CRITICISM AND REJECTION

When your self-worth begins to grow, and you stop seeking validation from external sources you become more equipped to handle criticism and rejection. By being self-aware, you are able to recognise that all people have different opinions and somebody’s criticism of you does not define who you are or decrease your worth.

This is because the lack of insecurity that comes from internal validations allows you to realise that our worthiness comes from within and not externally.

YOU’RE MORE LIKELY TO MAKE CHOICES THAT ALIGN WITH YOUR VALUES

With internal validation comes the ability to make individual choices rather than decisions based on expectations coming from those around us. As you gain inner confidence, you are less likely to feel the need to ‘fit in’ or please everyone which leads to the ability to make decisions based on your own values and not the values of those around you.

So now we see the value of internal validation and why it is so important to stop seeking validation externally. But how exactly can we start building on our self-confidence and gain that inner validation? Here’s our 5 top tips:

1. Practice self-awareness

Take some time to focus and reflect on your own personal thoughts, feelings and actions. Allow yourself the opportunity to become aware and comfortable with your needs and desires as an individual.

2. Practice self-acceptance

We are all “flawed” – and that’s okay – so start by recognising and finding comfort in the idea that we are not perfect, and we all make mistakes. Accepting who you are, imperfections and all, allows room for self-worth and self-confidence to grow.

3. Practice self-love

Start by taking care of yourself, taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional being. This can be done by practising self-care activities, those activities that make you feel good – whether it be taking a hot bath or a walk with a friend, going to the beach and listening to the calm. It can be any activity that makes you feel whole, makes you feel peace, brings you to your happy place.

4. Set personal goals

Set goals that are specific to YOU, ones that help you focus on YOUR OWN growth and development. Set goals that are in alignment with your passions and what brings you the most joy and excitement in life - This is called living from your Heart.

By having personal goals that reflect this, you’re achieving something for YOU and allows us to stop seeking validation from others. Allow time to celebrate your successes and achievements and watch you find happiness in pleasing yourself rather than anyone else.

5. Get a kinesiology session

Book in a session with Aaron to RESOLVE any unresolved trauma that may be stopping you from doing any of the above no matter how hard you try.

Original Content sourced from Resolve Beyond Neurology and written by Carolyn Farnan

Blog post designed and edited by Allie Michelle Aitken

Blog post written by Aaron Farrell and Allie Michelle Aitken

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JUST GET OVER IT

How many times have you heard someone tell you to “just get over it” or to “stop complaining”? Whether you’re going on about something as ‘small’ as your shitty job, a toxic relationship, a messy argument or something ‘greater’ like witnessing a disaster or the death of a loved one, you can’t seem to find yourself being able to let it go. But why do you keep speaking about it to anyone who will listen? Why do you continue to relive it? Why can’t you just get over it?

First of all, the reason we continue to rave on about a traumatic experience is to try and understand it. The desire to understand why it happened and how we fit into it sees us becoming infatuated with it. To try and understand - we analyse the situation intently by dreaming, imagining and talking about it. Thinking about different outcomes, different endings and ways that the event could’ve been avoided. We begin analysing our involvement, whether we could have done something or said something differently. In roll the thoughts of “was it my fault?”

So why are we so adamant to put together the pieces of the puzzle?

This is because we are social bonding animals and when our ‘bond’ or ‘connection’ to the groups around us is threatened our defence mechanism of FIGHT or FLIGHT is activated. When a traumatic experience occurs that we do not understand, we begin questioning this bond, feeling threatened and as though our survival is at risk.

Now with our survival feeling threatened and our inability to comprehend the experience, we begin questioning who we are. Our beliefs on who we are after the trauma are altered and if we don’t understand who we are, we’re unable to understand how to be in our world, how to respond to the world around us. Questioning ourselves leaves us realising that there are pieces of the puzzle missing, pieces that we so desperately need to put the puzzle back together. So what do we do? We talk about the experience. We continue on, and on, and on with the desperation of regaining understanding. We feel as though this understanding of how we fit into it will allow us to find those missing pieces.

All of this is a manifestation of unresolved trauma and experiences. As our inability to understand courses through our body, leaving us in a sustained FIGHT or FLIGHT response. We are then unsure of ourselves and there is a lack of trust in our ability to respond appropriately. Our ability to respond and keep us safe. Our ability to survive.

We crave this understanding so desperately that it becomes consuming. Without being able to understand the experience, we are unable to let it go. To just “get over it”. We lack trust in ourselves to move forward with life. We become stuck.

So next time you hear someone raving on about the same experience that you’ve heard about time and time again - just remember that they are trying to understand it, trying to understand themselves and they cannot simply ‘GET OVER IT!’

Original Content written by Carolyn Farnan and sourced from Resolve Beyond Neurology

Blog post designed and edited by Allie Michelle Aitken

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Have you encountered an undesirable or traumatic experience and you want to "get over it"?

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ANXIETY & PANIC ATTACKS

Did you know you can actually control your anxiety and panic attacks in the matter of minutes?

I know, I know!! It sounds too good to be true right?. But believe me, it’s very possible and with some practice - you can become a pro and take back control of your anxiety.

But before you learn how to be a pro, It’s also important to understand why you have anxiety and panic attacks, so let me give you a run down of how and why anxiety and panic attacks occur.

Anxiety is a symptom of our FIGHT and FLIGHT response and stems from negative experiences and unresolved trauma in our life that made us feel unsafe and endangered which on some level threatened our survival. Be that a car accident, relationship breakdowns, being bullied at school or socially to just name a few.

While we have unresolved trauma and negative experiences, we now have to be on high alert just in case these experiences which made us feel unsafe happen again. We search for triggers that are a part of the original experience and store them in our subconscious - leaving us ready to identify them next time they come up. This enables us to be on high alert - we do all of this subconsciously - so we can now be ready to flight - run or fight - stand our ground if the same experience happens again.

As we wait and wait for these traumas to surface again. We keep searching for the triggers, in day to day life, holding onto the possibility that the original experience or trauma will reoccur and we will be in danger again. This leaves us feeling out of control or lacking control of our own life. It’s when we can’t control or avoid the triggers that anxieties become heightened, our natural state of being is threatened, and if bad enough - panic attacks occur.

Remember, anxiety exists only because the original trauma or experiences remain unresolved. This means that we have not been able to understand the experience in a way that answers the question: can I still be ME now given what has happened? If the answer is “no” or “I don’t know” then we don’t understand why the experience or trauma happened and we need to use our survival system in case it happens again. It’s not about reason, logic or probability, it’s about the possibility of it occurring again.

Obviously, the best way to manage anxiety is to search deep and be able to resolve traumas - get to the bottom of why you felt threatened in the first place and overcome these triggers so they no longer affect your day to day life. Learning how to trust yourself, identify triggers and respond to them in a manner that doesn’t send our survival system into overdrive is and always should be the priority. However, this is not the quick fix that I promised in the beginning of this blog.

By learning strategies that benefit our “thrival” response rather than our “survival” response - we can learn how to effectively manage our anxiety and overcome panic attacks quickly. Carolyn Farnan from Resolve Beyond Neurology suggests a great strategy: the 4-by-4 breath and can get us out of a full state of panic within minutes. It is recommended that this strategy is practiced when in a state of calm first so you are ready to execute like a pro when anxious or panicked.

The 4-by-4 breath

Step 1: Match your breathing by counting to 4 on the fingers of each hand

Practice this when you’re relaxed and not anxious. The purpose is to match your counting with your breathing. If the breathing is panicked and fast - then count fast, if it is slow and steady - then count slow and steady. We are not modifying our breath, just matching it.

Start by holding your hands in front of your face with palms facing towards you and fingers spread. Count off each finger by facing it towards your palm as you breathe in: 1-2-3-4. Then repeat with your other hand as you breathe out: 1-2-3-4. Try to watch your fingers moving with your breath - this allows you to take control of your focus by distracting you from the trigger. It is normal for your counts to be faster when you breathe in and slower as you breathe out. Get yourself into a comfortable rhythm and then you’re ready to move onto step 2.

Step 2: Introduce a hold for a count of 1 after an in-breath

Using your left hand, match your in-breath and count off each finger as per step 1, then before moving onto counting your out-breath - hold for a count of 1. Then continue to breathe out still matching your counts to breath. (Note: we are only holding after the in-breath and not the out-breath). Do this for 4 cycles of breath and once you have found your rhythm move onto step 3.

Step 3: Extend the breath-hold after an in-breath gradually for a count of 4

As per step 2, extend the hold for a count of 2 and repeat for 4 cycles. Then extend the hold for a count of 3 and repeat for 4 cycles. Finally hold for a count of 4 and repeat for 4 cycles. It's important to take your time and get into a rhythm before moving onto the next hold - this allows for a gradual reduction of anxiety and panic as you progress through each cycle. If it doesn't feel to be working, simply do more repeat cycles. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.

Step 4: Practice, Practice, Practice

It's super important to practice this when you are not anxious or panicked. If you are already in survival mode and trying it for the first time - your body will struggle to follow the steps as it has already prioritised the overwhelming feeling of anxiety. This will feel difficult at first, which is why we suggest practicing it when you are relaxed. Practice it over and over so by the time your next panic attack arises you’ll be a pro.

As mentioned before, the 4-by-4 breath is a great strategy to quickly shut down a panic attack or overwhelming feeling of anxiety. BUT if you’re ready to really step out of survival mode and begin thriving again, it's time to get in contact with Aaron. Book in a session TODAY to work through those unresolved traumas and get to the bottom of what is triggering your anxiety.

Original Content written by Carolyn Farnan and sourced from Resolve Beyond Neurology

Blog post designed and edited by Allie Michelle Aitken

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