“I’m not good enough”
“I shouldn’t have done that”
“I should be doing more”
“I’m so lazy”
“I’m not worthy”
Shame - that voice in your head making you believe that you are flawed, that you are not worthy, that you do not belong. The voice that eats away at your self worth, causing you to overthink and over analyse.
Slipping into a spiral of shame overflows out of your own head and begins to affect other aspects of your life. And if that shame is prolonged - it becomes immobilising. It removes your rose-coloured glasses from your face and swaps them with a gloomy grey pair making you question everything from your physical appearance to your behaviours to your values and most importantly to your worth in society.
So where does shame come from?
Shame is a learnt behaviour. As children we are carefree and curious. Testing boundaries and not looking over our shoulder at what others may think of us. Though as we grow older, the desire to ‘fit in’ and ‘belong’ becomes necessary for our survival. Or at least that’s what we perceive to be necessary.
We are social bonding animals - pack animals. Throughout the generations of evolution we have learned that being a part of a ‘pack’ maximises our survival, so we actively seek creating bonds to feel safe. Bonding with others also releases our happy hormones and encourages us to make connections. Holding these connections accountable for our safety and happiness.
It is when our ability to ‘fit in’ is threatened that we begin to feel shameful. We fear losing that safety and happiness. We fear the feeling of not belonging. We slip into the spiral of shame and the gloomy grey coloured glasses come on. Wearing these glasses long term dysregulates your autonomic functioning and causes long term side effects of worthlessness, exhaustion, anxiety, depression, perfectionism, guilt, codependency. It is a killer of kindness, compassion, confidence and self-love.
So what can we do about it?
To overcome shame, having compassion and awareness is the first step. Try meditating and sitting with your shameful thoughts, separating who you are as a person from who your internal monologue is telling you you are. Shame can not be overcome with toxic positivity, you are not trying to convince yourself into a new belief but rather combatting that belief with kindness. When feelings of shame arise, it is easy to over analyse and sink into a hole of self-negativity. Next time, try separating the judgement by counteracting these feelings with a comment of understanding.
Alternatively, of course, the best practice to overcome shame would be to work with a practitioner (such as Aaron) to dive deep into where your shame stems from.